In which our heroine looks back on a year of plague in which nearly all her wishes have come true….
What kind of year! With Wilfie by my side and Bozzie (probably) down in his sleeping bag, as I focus on my 2020 resolutions, I know I would have laughed in disbelief if I had been told last January that beavers would soon be splashing in our lowland rock pools! And Dom and Stanley, too! I always tell people that miracles can occur even in tough times – if they could read my journal, they might even believe it!
Happy in our hideaway in winter – glorious Mustique! At the top of my list of peers is David Ross! But is nobody worried about the planet? It was surprising that so many passengers fly first class here, but we tried to make an ethical economic point. When Bozzie visits the sorry – Westminster or the Caribbean, it still takes forever – I compose my resolutions for the New Year.
1 Get done with Dom.
2 Get the wedding done.
3 Save some pets (nb not grouse).
4 Getting Stanley done, too.
5 Nimco work.
6 Repair surveillance of Bozzie – but how?
I was so happy to see my Bozzie sign the landmark withdrawal agreement! “Are you sure about this nasty old tie?”Oh, don’t be such a girl, Carrie; Dom, Caino, Roxstar and Sputnik know what they’re doing.”Oh, don’t be such a girl, Carrie; Dom, Caino, Roxstar and Sputnik know what they’re doing.”Are you sure about this nasty old tie?
Ta-da!-Da! Finally, the divorce is over! I feel unbelievably lucky. Planning to make a very unique announcement as soon as poor Bozzie is allowed out of his constant Cobra meetings! Stanley: “Word to the wise, dear girl, I moved in what you might call a ‘quick’ set, but we generally put off announcing news until a good 10 days after the verdict; tends to upset wife number one, or two, obviously, in the case of my son, the PM.” Oh, good. Oh, good.
Bozzie: “I say, what did I read there that we’re engaged? I can’t remember…” Me: “Do you want to be the one to tell everyone we’re not?” Dom: “She’s right buddy, you’re screwed.”
Bozzie has left Saj for Rishi! He’s trying to save Saj, but that’s pointless.
“Have you ever thought that God is trying to tell you to stay with the four-leggeds?”
This shit about Dilyn was made up by The Times, and what made it worse was that no one cared, even after I ran to the OC crying.
Me: “If I called once, I called 20 times! Don’t you see how this makes us – me! – look like! Have you forgotten that I’m a leading environmentalist?” Dom: “To be honest, yes.
Could you knock next time?” Bozzie: “Be reasonable, Marina – I mean, Petro – that is, Helen, Jennifer – I got it, Carrie, this plague thing is on its way here and -” Me (grabs an empty bottle): “Liar, you said it’s all just a pathetic panic, why [aimed]do you always have to lie?”
Outcome? There really is an epidemic, but my underground Lockdown-Even baby shower has been heroically saved by Bozzie.
Bozzie not only contracted the totally harmless bug that only girly chicks get, he gave it to me, God knows how, because he swore on Dilyn’s life that he never even shook hands with anyone.
But B is alive and we have a little boy, and B says he will wrestle the virus to the ground, but until then Stanley can’t come visit! My heart is satisfied.
The lockout, at least, means that I still know where B is.
Me: “Stanley, where does he go when he’s tracking science?” Stanley: “Omertà, Carrie, that’s Latin for…” Me: “Just tell him to get his ass back here in time to clap for the handlers.”
Amazing news! Now everyone knows Dom went to Durham and needlessly endangered the entire puffin population! I feel more than blessed.
Bozzie (again), “I’m fit as a butcher dog.” Me: “You know nobody says that anymore?” Bozzie: “Well, Kaino does.” Me: “Do you ever wonder why your ratings suck?”
Bozzie makes his brother a lord.
B (indignant): “Yo, me, a noble title, what are you talking about?” Me (tired): “Forget it.
It’s on the news. Do you realize they all want one now?” B: “Why not, didn’t you give Goldsmith an upgrade?” Me: “Just don’t use them all up before Wilfred has one.”
Survived our camping “vacation” in Scotland.
Kaino’s idea, apparently.
At least we weren’t camping.