It’s enough for this offer to make an eel squeal


An eel farmer in Gloucestershire who sells eels to continental Europe and voted for Brexit could lose his business because of the eel paperwork generated by the Brexit he voted for. One can only pity him and his eels. The time for dirty Remainer schadenfreude is over.

But frequent readers will remember that I was among the many in the liberal commentariat who poked fun at the eels’ post-Brexit fate.

To highlight the problem in spring 2016, myself and Bob Geldof swam the length of the Severn Estuary dressed as eels while Nigel Farage bombarded us with shovels full of porridge from an amphibious vehicle. Our gesture was predictably dismissed as part of Dan Hananan’s “Project Fear” in the Daily Telegraph, and yet our projected fears came true.

Before the eel farmer voted, he should have sought advice from a source who knew the eel problem better than he did.

Eel, maybe.

Brexit. It’s as if eels are voting for some sort of religious festival where everybody eats eels.Why does pale-faced Brexit gangmaster Michael Gove have such disdain for eels and their prospects outside the single market? Is it revenge because he looks like a fuzzy underwater picture of an eel with his googly eyes, beaky chest and aquatic pallor? Old school mates at Robert Gordon College claim that being ridiculed in the showers for his similarity to the delicious fish was his Achilles heel for the typically icy Gove.

It’s also alleged on the dark web that Gove himself was once mistaken for an eel by his co-brexiter Mark Francois while frolicking in a storm drain, leading to a humiliating incident involving a scoop of porridge and some alcohol that could only be covered up by his wife Sarah Vine’s good ties with the press. Vine herself has also been frolicking, but in the bow wave of Brexit, like an awful porpoise, writing in the Daily Mail on Christmas Day that her split with Remainer friends meant that “few have paid as high a price” for Brexit as she has. This, of course, overlooks the fact that an MP was murdered in the street by a white nationalist during the Brexit campaign for defending immigrants – a price maybe heavier than an uncomfortable moment at a 50th birthday party.A decent individual does not respond to opinion pieces like Vine’s.

And one should certainly not encourage prurience to prompt a visit to the Daily Mail’s website to view Vine’s column in its natural habitat of eating disorder body-shaming and celebrity swimwear suitability judgments – a behavior analogous to a coprophiliac’s urge to lift the lid of a particularly desecrated toilet bowl. Vine exists in a sick inversion of Finley Peter Dunne’s 1893 aphoristic description of the intent of a newspaper, its function being to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted. Our failure to acknowledge the fact of Brexit also means that we are expected to deny all vestiges of the Christian faithThe final insult to those who have rightly rejected Brexit is the characteristically heartless decision by the Brexit Covid government to call the fudge-stained document that supposedly resolves it the “Christmas Eve Agreement.” Now, every Christmas Eve, the eternally heartbroken Remainers will have to remember the moment when their hopes and dreams were finally dashed; and when the faith of simple, honest fishermen and the eels they care about, whose yearnings Gove and his cruel cronies exploited, was finally betrayed. This stomach-churning conclusion is now forever connected to the celebration of Christmas, a time of goodwill for all and for all eels, which by definition is the antithesis of Brexit and the ideals all its supporters stand for.To that end, I have already taken steps to actively decouple my household’s next Christmas from the despised Christmas Eve Deal. Before Pope Gregory XIII abandoned the original calendar in 1582, Christmas fell on what is now December 21, the winter solstice and the date of the pagan festival of Saturnalia, whose emotional resonance the early church hoped to soak up and build on, a bit like when Coca-Cola took over Schweppes.

By making Dec. 21 our family’s official Christmas, our new Christmas Eve will become Dec. 20, not the dreaded Dec. 24 now forever beflec


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