Which issues will motivate voters on Election Day?

This is a rush transcript from “The Five,” November 2, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, THE FIVE CO-HOST: Hello, I’m Dana Perino along with Morgan 
Ortagus, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and Greg Gutfeld. It’s 5 o’clock in 
New York City, and this is “The Five.”

Fox News alert, President Trump campaigning in key senate battle ground 
states, he’s finishing up a rally right now in West Virginia, before 
heading to Indiana later tonight. Just minutes ago, the president going 
after Democrats hard ahead of the high-stakes midterms just four days away.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
 
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: The Democrats 
want to raise your taxes, restore job-killing regulations, shut down your 
coal mines. And by the way, they will shut down your coil mines, you know 
that. They want to take away your good healthcare. And essentially, use 
socialism to turn America into Venezuela.

(END VIDEO CLIP)
 
PERINO: Trump also touting the booming economy after finding out today 
250,000 jobs were added in October.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: America now has the best economy in the history of our country, and 
we want to keep it that way. We’ve created 4.5 million new jobs since the 
election. A number that was unthinkable. If I would have said that during 
the campaign, oh, they would have given me a hard time. They would have 
said Pinocchio, you know. They do the whole thing.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: The president also hitting on a central theme of his midterm 
campaign the migrant caravan that’s headed toward the United States.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
 
TRUMP: Democrats want to totally open the borders. They have the caravan, 
let them in. You want to let them in? Does anybody want to let them in?

The caravan after caravan is forming, un-vetted, illegal aliens, trying to 
flood into our country, on your dollar, overwhelming your schools, 
depleting your resources, and endangering your community.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: All right. There we go. There was another former — well, 
president, former president on the campaign trail today, let’s play that 
from President Obama, and then will take it around the table.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
 
BARACK OBAMA, FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT: While you’re distracted with all of 
this stuff they’re making up, they’re also robbing you blind. I mean, 
like, look, look, look, over there, and then they’re giving tax cuts to 
billionaires. Look, over there. Then they’re letting polluters poison 
your air and water. They will absolutely take healthcare away from 
millions the first chance they get while you are distracted with stuff that 
is not true.

(END VIDEO CLIP)
 
PERINO: All right, Jesse, let me hand it over to you. Both former 
President Obama and President Trump kind of having fun on the campaign 
trail.

JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: Yeah. President Obama looks pretty spry 
right there when he’s bouncing around, got a little pep in his step. I do 
think he’s really lowered himself to a place where he shouldn’t be as 
someone that’s just left office. I don’t think there’s ever been a 
president this early that campaign so partisanly against his successor in 
that way. But, you know what? He’s trying to salvage his legacy because 
Donald Trump has totally destroyed it. The president got some great news 
today on the economy, a quarter million jobs created in October despite the 
hurricane. And when some other bright spots, 3.1 percent wage growth, that 
is the best wage growth for American workers in a decade.

Also, nearly 70,000 jobs created in construction, and mining, and 
manufacturing. Remember, those jobs were never coming back, according to 
Barack Obama. Lowest unemployment level since 1969, most Americans with a 
job in American history, and the media has really downplayed this economy. 
When there was the 3.5 percent GDP number that just came out the other day, 
the nightly newscasts, they never even covered it. And then today, Axios 
said, well, you know, the economy is shrinking. It went from 4.2 to 3.5. 
And they say, you know what, a recession may be around the corner. I do 
think the president is closing strong on the message of the economy and on 
immigration. And this blue wave that everybody says is going to happen, 
I’m not quite so sure about it right now.

PERINO: Maybe just like a little ripple.

WATTERS: Maybe.

PERINO: Greg, the other economic number was the lowest unemployment rate 
for veterans.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: That’s great.

PERINO: . that they’ve had in a long time.

GUTFELD: The economy is hotter than Jesse in cutoffs.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: You saw me?

GUTFELD: Yes, I did. I have a camera in your dressing room. Here’s the 
deal, like, the media isn’t covering this news because it’s not something 
that you can blame on Trump. It’s something you have to give credit for. 
So, they’d rather just, you know, do their usual anti-Trump blather, which 
also happens to gin up their revenues quite well as Jeff Zucker has 
admitted recently. Either way, the way I look at the midterms, and I pray 
they’re over soon, the Republicans win and the Democrats lose, no matter 
what. No matter what. And I’ll tell you why. Because politics isn’t 
personal to Republicans. So, if you do well, great. But I’m going to have 
dinner. But if you lose the house, well, that sucks. But I’m going to go 
have dinner. But now the Democrats — let’s say the Democrats win big, 
that’s not going to be enough because he’s still going to be in charge. 
That evil Trump is going to be there. So they’re still going to be really 
angry. And if they lose, we saw what happened when they lost before, 
right? It was a countrywide tantrum.

PERINO: We should have had the scream.

GUTFELD: Yeah, the scream. So, the thing is, because it’s so intensely 
personal for Democrats, primarily liberals with politics, I don’t think 
they’re ever going to be pleased by the outcome. Where the Republicans, 
politics is just a facet in your life, it’s one part of it. It’s not your 
life. So, you know, you lose the house, you know, well, that’s life. I’m 
going to go play with my kids. I don’t have kids.

PERINO: Juan, I’ll just throw it over to you for whatever you want to say.

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Oh, well, I’m just amazed. It’s the best 
economy ever, says Trump, and Jesse backs it up. Of course, just not true. 
And then you say it’s not true and people are like, well, why are you 
picking on the president. Oh, stop picking.

WATTERS: Better than the Obamas.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: But it’s just unbelievable. And then, you know, the whole idea 
of this invading army is coming, oh, my gosh, you want to let them in. You 
know, it’s just ridiculous. But, you know, to me, it’s at a point where in 
this campaign you look at where the president is going. You look at what 
he’s saying. So, today, West Virginia, also Indiana, he’s going into red 
states and he’s trying his best. I don’t think he’s gonna have any success 
with — stopping Joe Manchin getting reelected.

But when it comes to Joe Donnelly, the Democrat in a red state like 
Indiana, I think he may have some success because he can stir up the base. 
And that’s all he’s doing. So the whole attack on the caravan, everything 
that he says about the caravan being filled with disease and criminals, you 
know, it’s just — at some point you want to think, are these Republicans 
paying attention? Does it makes any.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Didn’t Obama just say we’re poisoning the air and water?

(CROSSTALK)

(LAUGHTER)
 
PERINO: Let’s get Morgan in here. Your thoughts about — we have a week –
– we’re going into a weekend, it is also when you have to turn back the 
clocks, by the way.

GUTFELD: It’s a clock.

PERINO: Apparently — I think that that is probably good news for 
Republicans, right? I’m kidding. I have no idea.

WATTERS: Tell me more, Dana.

PERINO: Trends tell us in the past.

MORGAN ORTAGUS, CO-HOST: Listen, I think it all comes down to 
undecided voters, which are largely independent, largely moderate. And 
something that I thought was interesting, and in this — before the mail 
bomber happened, before the temple shooting happened, most of those 
independent voters are registering, saying that they felt unsure of putting 
the Democrats back in power because the message did worked, that they 
thought they were too extreme. Clearly, the events, you know, sort of 
stopped the momentum that they had. But they still sort of seem like, will 
I vote, will I not vote. What will happen? And we all know in all of 
these elections depends on who can motivate people to turn out. So, what 
I’m fascinated by — I started going through, you know, state by state, 
we’re all looking at the polling. I think it’s going to be a really long 
election night. I’m looking forward to watching you, Dana.

PERINO: Juan will be there too.

ORTAGUS: And Juan, too?

GUTFELD: I won’t.

(LAUGHTER)
 
ORTAGUS: You can come to my party.

GUTFELD: Oh, great.

ORTAGUS: As the wind blows, these races — like, they’re a plane apart, 
right? Like they’re two planes apart, within the margin of error. We can 
see the senate looking exactly like it is. We can see the house looking 
similarly. Or we can see — you know, we can see something go straight up 
or down for either party. I mean, it’s going to be a fascinating evening. 
The one thing that I would say is to pay attention not just to the house 
and to the senate but these governor’s races, 12 out of 13 Republican 
governors that are running for re-election are ahead. But 7 — about 7 to 
9 of them that are running in open seats, it’s neck and neck. Talk about 
Georgia. Talk about Florida. I mean, these are the races where it could 
go into runoffs. We could be up all night.

WATTERS: I just want to pick up on something that Morgan just said. She’s 
right. There’s a lot of house races right now that a lot of 
prognosticators think, oh, you know what? Democrats are going to get them 
all. They’re all within the margin of error. So there’s no guarantee that 
this blue wave is going to happen. You can see a situation where Democrats 
pick up 20 seats in the house and come up a few seats short. There’s no 
massive Democratic Party registration going on. There’s no massive 
enthusiasm gap going on. There’s no recession going on. There’s just not 
a lot of indicators. Look at the generic congressional ballot. That’s 
within single digits. The Democrats are down in the Connecticut governor’s 
race.

PERINO: For good reason.

WATTERS: I mean, there’s just a lot of things you scratch your head and 
you think, wait a second, the media was so wrong in 2016, could this be a 
flashback of what happened last time? There could be a silent majority out 
there that aren’t talking to pollsters that could come out and then really 
shock the country.

WILLIAMS: Well, I think that you’re looking — look at the ads, just so 
important right now. And the ads, both on the Republican and Democratic 
side.

PERINO: We have a chart. Can I just show that chart? I know we’ve got to 
go.

GUTFELD: Dana loves her charts.

PERINO: It’s a great chart and I sent it to everyone this morning so that 
they could.

GUTFELD: Yes, 7 in the morning you get like 8 charts from Dana. Oh, 
great. That’s what I want to look at when I wake up in the morning, stuff 
like this. Why don’t you send me pictures of your dog instead?

PERINO: Well, that can be arranged, of course. But this chart, if you go 
to Bloomberg, it tells you what ads are running in which regions of the 
country. So I thought that was actually very good. Didn’t you think it 
was interesting?

WATTERS: I didn’t look at it either.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: I opened it and then I closed it.

GUTFELD: Who sends charts before 9 AM?

PERINO: Look, somebody has to get up early to work on the 2 o’clock.

WILLIAMS: Dana.

PERINO: And it was 10:30, thank you.

WILLIAMS: Dana, I must say, I valued it.

PERINO: Thank you.

WILLIAMS: I appreciated it. But I just want — my point that I was going 
to make based on Dana’s chart, by the way, would be that healthcare 
dominates on both sides, not this immigrations drivel, and not the phony ad 
that makes it out like Democrats want open borders. Again, it’s like are 
Republicans suckers? What is going on here?

PERINO: What is going on?

GUTFELD: Show that chart one more time.

PERINO: Show the chart one more time.

GUTFELD: You know what that is?

PERINO: What?

GUTFELD: It would be a great — oh, they’re not showing it.

PERINO: We’re going to show the chart one more time. Can we pull it back 
up?

GUTFELD: You know what? It’s not even worth it. Forget it. I was going 
to say it’s a great placemat for a diner.

PERINO: It’s fantastic. You can figure out like where you are.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PERINO: I’m telling you, Bill Hemmer would appreciate that chart. A 
programming note, be sure to tune in on Sunday, we’ll be previewing the 
midterms on a special live weekend edition of The Five. I’m sure you don’t 
want to miss that. Greg will be in a great mood. OK. Up next, vulnerable 
red state senate Democrats distancing themselves from their own party in an 
attempt to win on Tuesday. That’s ahead.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Some red state Democrats in tough senate races now distancing 
themselves from their party in an effort to try to pull out victories on 
Tuesday. In Missouri, Claire McCaskill releasing an ad slamming her fellow 
Democrats.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
 
UNINDENTIFIED MALE: Claire’s not afraid to stand up against her own party.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: Yep. And Claire is not one of those crazy Democrats. 
She works right in the middle and finds compromise.

(END VIDEO CLIP)
 
WILLIAMS: In Montana, Jon Tester, he’s blasting Democrats for, quote, 
botching the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing. And in Indiana, Joe 
Donnelly, backing increased border security.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
 
SEN. JOE DONNELLY, D—IND.: I’m the only person on this stage who 
voted three times for a border wall. I voted against sanctuary cities.

(END VIDEO CLIP)
 
WILLIAMS: So, Greg, guess what? Even in Montana — Jon Tester, I should 
say, taking a swipe at Elizabeth Warren’s DNA test.

GUTFELD: That is unbelievable. You, look, it’s always good to police your 
side. And have — and I think everybody should be faster in 
excommunicating their extremists. Problem with our side, as a 
conservative, is we listen to the mainstream media we’re all bad.

PERINO: I’m out.

GUTFELD: Yeah. We’re all suspect when somebody says this person is bad. 
We’re like, really? Because we saw what you did to Kavanaugh, and he 
wasn’t a bad guy. So — but I do think it’s always important for if you’re 
— to point out and say this person has gone too far or whatnot, and I say 
that for both sides.

WILLIAMS: I agree. Morgan, I noticed that Bill Clinton, not too many 
places, apparently had a fundraiser here in New York for Mike Espy the 
Democratic senate candidate from Mississippi. But it’s interesting, it’s 
almost like the former president hasn’t existed in this campaign season.

ORTAGUS: The mighty have fallen. I mean, if you think back to President 
Obama’s reelection campaign in 2012, and the DNC convention, when Clinton 
went on stage and gave that speech that many pundits at the time were 
saying was the speech that revived President Obama’s reelection effort. 
And then, here we are, fast forward, not that long later, people don’t want 
to be seen with him and, quite frankly, I think for good reason. I mean, 
at a minimum, the guy abused his power with a college intern. At the 
worst, he’s been accused of some of the worst things that men can be 
accused of. So, I wouldn’t want to be seen with him and I don’t blame the 
Democrats. But on Claire McCaskill, the one thing that was interesting to 
me there is, you know, for all of the mantra of the Democrats about girl 
power, she was really quick to throw Elizabeth Warren, like, right under 
the bus.

WILLIAMS: Well, I think she feels that Elizabeth Warren was critical of 
her on some votes, and so that’s what she said. So, Jesse, what we see 
here is, right now, it’s 51-49, Republicans in the senate. And you have 
Heidi Heitkamp trailing in North Dakota, close races in Indiana, Missouri. 
And then comes two interesting states, Arizona and Nevada. No Trump in 
either state, even though you would think immigration, which is his key 
message might play there, apparently, both Republican candidates want no 
part of Donald Trump.

WATTERS: Well, I don’t know if that’s true. But you’re right, those races 
are dead even and — they could go either way. And they’re very 
interesting, two western states, a lot different than a lot of the other 
states in the country. But, on the Bill Clinton thing, I think there’s 
three reasons for that. One, the Democratic Party has given up looking for 
white working-class voters. Bill Clinton was always great at speaking to 
those people. They don’t really speak to those people as much as they used 
to, they’ve reprioritized to more identity politics. And millennials, I 
mean, they were born in the 90’s, they barely remember Bill Clinton. And 
then you have the Me Too thing, if you bring him in you might catch too 
much heat.

On the distancing, I think the distancing is disingenuous because the 
Democratic Party has been crazy for two years. And all of a sudden, a week 
before the election, now they’re going to get the stomach to say, hey, 
guys, knock it off. I just don’t buy it. And it kind of shows me, right 
now, the Republican Party is more unified than the Democratic Party. Looks 
like the Democrats are shooting within the tent a little bit, I don’t know 
how that’s going to play out, but it’s an interesting indicator especially 
in these red swing states.

WILLIAMS: Wow, this is a kinder, gentler, Jesse Watters. The Democrats 
have only been crazy for two years.

WATTERS: Well, crazier.

WILLIAMS: Oh, here you go. Now you’re back to normal.

WATTERS: That’s right.

WILLIAMS: Dana?

PERINO: Well, I think she — let’s just take them one by one. Claire 
McCaskill, 12 years of a very liberal voting record and she’s trying to say 
that, like, she’s not crazy and that she’s helpful to Trump. I don’t think 
that’s going to wash with a lot of Republican voters. President Trump won 
that state by 19 points. You look at Jon Tester, I do think that’s little 
bit different in Montana where you have Tester very close to the 
agriculture community, and they think he’s done a good job for them. So 
he’s trying to localize that race as much as possible. Not that Trump 
hasn’t done all he can to help Rosendale and the Republicans still could 
win there. That was a nail biter.

Donnelly, though, he does — he’s one of the only ones that can say he has 
voted with President Trump and he did so on immigration. So this last bit 
of President Trump, closing argument on immigration, might not play as much 
in Indiana because Donnelly, actually, has a voting record that says that. 
The other thing is each of these three states President Trump’s approval 
rating is above 50 percent. That’s a big deal for him because if you think 
back — like in 2002, the first Bush mid-term, I think President Bush’s 
approval rating was sky high, we were at war, after 9/11. But in 2006, 
when he lost the majorities his approval rating was 37 percent. It makes a 
big difference especially in these tight races. So President Trump has 
done them a favor, by getting his approval rating up to where it is.

GUTFELD: Can we go to that chart?

(LAUGHTER)
 
PERINO: I just want to say for the record that in the commercial break 
Jesse Watters said my charts was very helpful.

WATTERS: I did.

WILLIAMS: Let me just say that what strikes me is that in these big 
states, these red states where Democrats are struggling, they’re close 
races. And you would think that right now, since they’re red states, that 
Republicans are dominating. Not.

(CROSSTALK)
 
PERINO: That’s why you want to tune in to get to Fox News voter analysis 
on Tuesday.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

GUTFELD: Twenty percent more charts.

WILLIAMS: All right. Is Michael Avenatti getting ready to take on Trump 
with a 2020 run? Oh, my goodness, could it be? See his new political ad, 
next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ORTAGUS: Michael Avenatti, again, fueling speculation about his 
presidential ambition. The anti-Trump lawyer urging people in his first ad 
— first political ad to get out and vote. Watch this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
 
UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: We the people.

UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: We the people.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: We the people.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: Are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it 
anymore.

UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: We will not be silent.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: We will speak truth to power.

UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: And we will fight.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: If we do it together, we will win.

UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: Join us.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: Join us.

UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: Join us.

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: Our constitution says we the people. Not me, the 
president. Stand up. Join the fight club. Use your vote as your voice on 
November 6.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

ORTAGUS: So, Greg, I saw it, the first rule of Fight Club was not to talk 
about it.

GUTFELD: Oh, good point. He actually chose actors and actresses as 
appealing as he is. Everybody is just scowling. By the way, this guy has 
more baggage than JFK, and I’m talking about the airport, Dana.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Having said that, so did Donald Trump. He had baggage. But the 
difference is Avenatti is all baggage and no ticket. His resume is thinner 
than his hair. And he — but I want him, I encourage him to go because 
it’ll be incredibly entertaining to see him up on the dais with actual 
other candidates and see how that goes.

ORTAGUS: Juan, I think that Greg sounds a lot like the Democrats sounded 
whenever President Trump announced.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ORTAGUS: What do you think?

WILLIAMS: So, I was thinking a lot of what Greg was saying, that, you 
know, Donald Trump, what was his resume, what were his credentials?

ORTAGUS: Come on, he’s more qualified than Avenatti.

WILLIAMS: Let me finish my point that I think — and so I was reading 
about this and somebody said, in fact, Donald Trump is better known than 
Avenatti. But if you think about The Apprentice, all the years he was on 
TV, plus, the fact that people associate Donald Trump with money, with 
wealth, that it gave him more of a standing in the public mind. Avenatti 
doesn’t have that. But in terms of actual resume, I don’t know? You think 
that Donald Trump is highly qualified to be President of the United States?

ORTAGUS: Well, we’re not going to get into that.

GUTFELD: He is.

WILLIAMS: But he is president, but he’s not qualified. That’s the 
problem.

ORTAGUS: Well, OK, I’m not going to go there. So, Dana, tell me — you 
know, when the Democrats clearly, I think, want someone who’s going to pick 
a fight with Trump, take on a fight with him, but doesn’t Avenatti go a 
little-bit too far in terms of — I don’t think that mainstream voters or 
independent voters — they might want.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Another difference between Avenatti and President Trump, is that 
President Trump has a great sense of humor and an impeccable comedic 
timing, because even Democrats will laugh. Like, even if they think it’s 
absolute ludicrous what he’s saying, they will still laugh about it. No 
one has ever laughed at anything Avenatti has ever said. I think that 
Democrats right now are happy to let Avenatti be out in front, right? Let 
him be taking all those slings and arrows and getting the C-block on The 
Five. He’ll be the one being made fun out, while they figure out — OK, 
out of the 35 of us who all want to run for president, how are we going to 
blaze a trail.

ORTAGUS: Jesse, what do you think — I mean, if he did get the nomination, 
what do you think, like, the mainstream news media anchors — can you just 
envision that debate? I’m sort of inching for the two of them to be the 
final two because I think it would be the craziest final two candidates, 
like, ever.

WATTERS: Well, it won’t happen. But he is going to be a player at the 
debates for the Democrats. And it’s going to be fun to watch him to throw 
bombs and have the audience clap and have the other, kind of, mainstream 
establishment Democratic candidates kind of sit there and wish they could 
appeal to the base. I disagree with Greg a little bit here. I think this 
was an effective ad. He has tapped into the rage-a-holic resisters in the 
Democratic Party. These didn’t look like actors. These looked like really 
angry people. And there’s a good section of the Democratic base that 
really want to humiliate Donald Trump, want to bully him, want to sue him, 
want to go after his wife and kids and just punish him. And this is the 
people that he’s speaking to.

Now, I think he’s playing a dangerous Ponzi scheme, politically, because he 
owes tons of money to everybody. He’s getting sued out the pants. And 
he’s trying to parlay this into a presidential bet. And, eventually, it’s 
all going to implode and he’ll probably have to declare bankruptcy.

WILLIAMS: Well, that sounds like Trump again — getting sued by everybody, 
declaring bankruptcy.

WATTERS: Yes. At least Trump won.

PERINO: But why did he pick himself out though by saying that it has to be 
a white male that wins? I mean isn’t that pretty offensive?

WILLIAMS: Crazy. That’s not — I mean if that’s what he thinks.

GUTFELD: If Trump said it, it would have been offensive but not him.

WILLIAMS: are you kidding. Trump engages in divisive, racial rhetoric 
every day. There’s a shift —

GUTFELD: That sounds like someone I know.

WILLIAMS: But anyway — I think what Avenatti is doing and I just think 
it’s so important to just make a note of it is, he’s tapping into what 
Jesse said, which is the desire on the part of Democrats to have a fighter 
stand up to Trump and small donors. Right now, in this mid-term, small 
donors have turned out to be a goldmine for Democrats. And Avenatti is 
tapping into it.

(CROSS TALKING)

WATTERS: Yes. But he takes that small donation money and I bet he pays 
off his own debts. Watch him.

GUTFELD: And forgets Stormy. Whatever happened to Stormy. He used her.

WILLIAMS: You miss her, don’t you? You missed her.

ORTAGUS: He’s single, ladies.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ORTAGUS: So if you’re looking to be the first lady.  There you go.

Can do I the tease?

(CROSS TALKING)

ORTAGUS: Up next, Baldwin goes ballistic, again, the anti-Trump actor 
arrested after allegedly brawling in the streets of New York. That and 
more in the “Fastest 7” up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: there’s a reason why we’re playing Christmas music. It’s the 
first up on the “Fastest 7”.

A British psychologist warns that listening to too many jolly tunes during 
the holidays may take a toll on your mental health leading to annoyance or 
extra stress. I’m going to go to our Christmas expert, Greg Gutfeld. This 
is the first question — what do you think?

GUTFELD: Well, there is some truth to this. Christmas music is so bad 
that if there was no such thing as Christmas, no one would play this music 
again. Right. You need — you have to have the world’s greatest birthday 
party in order to get the — to keep the music alive.

But having said this, this is all bogus, shoddy research. There’s no study 
to back this up. It’s just some lady talking about it. I looked it up. I 
couldn’t find anything on this.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: This is my favorite part of today. Greg 
Gutfeld would not click on my chart for the midterms but he actually read 
this study and found out that it was bunk.

GUTFELD: There’s no study. They refer to this other stuff about stress 
and it was just — thank you, that’s the chart.

PERINO: That’s the chart.

WATTERS: Greg calls the study fake news. What do you think — Juan?

WILLIAMS: Well, I actually though — I read the article and what it said 
was that people who have this stuff pumped into their head again and again 
just become anxious. They think, oh I got to buy gifts. I got to fix 
dinner. Oh, the relatives — I’m going to have to deal with the relatives.

But the thing is, the repetition, Jesse that if you are working, if you’re 
a worker, a clerk in the store, and they keep playing this stuff you can’t 
escape it, it makes you nuts.

WATTERS: Like Fox News in the elevator. We have Fox News in the elevator 
where we work. You can’t escape anybody, they’re in there with you.

WATTERS: Can the bosses note who said that, please?

WATTERS: A better analogy would have been CNN at the airport.

GUTFELD: That, too.

WATTERS: Ok. Go ahead — Morgan.

ORTAGUS: It was a British woman who did the study. And I think this is 
why we had a revolution–

GUTFELD: It’s not a study — Morgan.

ORTAGUS: This is why we had a revolution because Christmas is awesome. 
And you’re agreeing (ph) for the Grinch tonight.

GUTFELD: Yes, I am.

ORTAGUS: I love Christmas.

WATTERS: Up next, remember this incident from nearly five years ago?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ALEC BALDWIN, ACTOR: You want to apologize to me on camera? I asked you a 
question. Do you want to apologize — I asked you a question. Get the 
(EXPLETIVE DELETED) out of here.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Well, bad boy Alec Baldwin is in trouble with the law, again. 
The Hollywood hothead arrested and charged in New York City for allegedly 
punching a man in the face after an argument over a parking space. Will 
anybody defend this?

GUTFELD: I will.

WILLIAMS: Greg and I agree?

WATTERS: Alec Baldwin brought you guys together. Imagine that.

WILLIAMS: Greg’s defense tag team.

WATTERS: Ok.

WILLIAMS: Well, from what I understand, he was parallel parking, some guy 
comes right in behind him, to take the space. That is totally crazy. I 
don’t even think it was an illegal immigrant.

GUTFELD: You know why this upsets you because you don’t like people who 
cut in line. You like process. You like order. You like enforcement.

WILLIAMS: I do. But I’ll tell you what —

WATTERS: Build the wall — Juan.

WILLIAMS: Things were so crazy because I’ve been in that situation —

GUTFELD: I have, too.

WILLIAMS: — where you’re parallel parking and they know, they just decide 
“screw you”.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. Because they don’t think you’re going to fight 
back.

WATTERS: Well, you’ve never had this problem because you don’t drive, 
right — Dana.

PERINO: Not in New York. I’ve never driven in New York. I do think my 
favorite part of the day was when President Trump out front of Marine One, 
he can barely hear anything as a reporter is shouting questions.

And somebody said Alec Baldwin was just arrested. He’s like who? Alec 
Baldwin. For what. In New York for punching somebody. And he said I wish 
him the best of luck. He was quite nice.

GUTFELD: But the possibility is he didn’t hear who it was. I wish him the 
best of luck? It was like, it could have been —

WATTERS: I was surprised the media didn’t —

(CROSS TALKING)

GUFELD: Where do you park your big wheel?

PERINO: In my tiny closet.

WATTERS: Yes, look who’s talking.

Morgan — what do you think? I’m surprised the media didn’t blame Donald 
Trump for inciting the violence.

ORTAGUS: I want to take this opportunity to complain about bikers in New 
York.

WATTERS: Ok.

ORTAGUS: Because I don’t even care about people parallel parking, I don’t 
drive either. I hate driving. But bikers in New York are the worst. 
They’re the ones who don’t pay attention. So if you’re going to punch 
anyone, punch a biker.

GUTFELD: Don’t say that.

WATTERS: We condemn violence.

GUTFELD: Do not — do not punch bikers.

(CROSS TALKING)

PERINO: My husband is going to agree with you.

ORTAGUS: Figuratively, figuratively.

GUTFELD: All right.

WATTERS: Ok. And finally, is a hot dog a sandwich? With National 
Sandwich Day coming up, Oscar Mayer reignited the food fight on Twitter 
proclaiming that a hot dog is, in fact, a sandwich and boldly urging those 
who disagreed to leave them angry messages on a hotline.

I don’t know, guys, you know technically it’s bread with meat in the 
middle. But I would not consider a hot dog a sandwich.

PERINO: Why would you want to dilute your marketing advantage by being 
unique? Like be a hot dog — be a sandwich, just be a hot dog.

GUTFELD: Because this is exactly the message that the Democrats should be 
running on. Because this could unite a country beyond politics. A hot dog 
is a hot dog — if a hot dog is a sandwich, then a corn dog is a lollipop. 
Because they’re confusing structure with substance which happens a lot.

MORTAGUS: I’m taking the opposite position, I think it’s a sandwich and I 
also think a taco is a sandwich.

GUTFELD: Really.

PERINO: What? A taco is a taco.

MORTAGUS: It’s carbs. It’s — it’s all the same — you can eat with it 
your hands.

PERINO: I think that’s cultural appropriation. A taco is a taco.

WATTERS: Yes. And I know a lot about that.  The Mexican people will be 
very upset by that. They like the taco and they don’t want it to be 
associated with North American tradition.

MORTAGUS: Did you interview people about this today?

WATTERS: Yes. I’ve been down the streets all day about this.

GUTFELD: A British psychologist did a study.

WATTERS: Right. Is there a chart on that — Dana? Do you have anything 
on that?

PERINO: I can get you one by tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.

WATTERS: Ok. All right.

There it is. There it is. The yellow is the mustard.

GUTFELD: You’re being hazed by the producers.

WILLIAMS: You know what I think about this?

WATTERS: What’s that — Juan.

WILLIAMS: This is an advertising scheme. That’s all it is.

WATTERS: Yes. And you know what — now we’re eating a hot dog for work —

PERINO: Mission accomplished.

WATTERS: — I love this segment.

Stay right there — fan mail Friday with Greg, up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: More massage music for a friction-free Friday as I like to call 
it.

PERINO: Disgusting.

GUTFELD: “Fan Mail Friday”, what’s that — it was about how we aren’t 
fighting on Friday.

ORTAGUS: Ok.

GUTFELD: Ok. This is from Debbie O. This is a great question for 
Facebook. “If we were all forced to wear a warning label what would yours 
say?”

WATTERS: Do not consume while operating heavy machinery.

GUTFELD: That would be yours?

WATTERS: That would be mine.

GUTFELD: Very good.

WILLIAMS: Who is going to consume you?

WATTERS: I don’t know — view me, watch me, whatever you call it.

GUTFELD: What about you — Juan?

WATTERS: I guess on TV arguing every day, so leave him alone.

GUTFELD: A little bit of warning — do not approach when quiet.

WILLIAMS: Oh, my God.

GUTFELD: Morgan?

ORTAGUS: I don’t know. Like hot to the touch.

GUTFELD: Oh, you’re like a stove.

ORTAGUS: Something like that.

GUTFELD: Yes, something like that.

Dana.

PERINO: I would say do not eat with your mouth open around her.

GUTFELD: Wow, that’s an interesting one.

ORTAGUS: Are you saying that because I was eating the hot dog?

PERINO: No, I didn’t notice.

GUTFELD: That was disgusting — Morgan.

Mine would be choking hazard because I’m small.

WATTERS: Oh, so cute.

GUTFELD: Yes. Anyway.

Greg K., nice name, “If you had to assign each other to a brand of 
something to be the face of, what would each of yours be? It’s kind of a 
complicated question.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: So we have to pick somebody else and say they would be the face 
for blank. I would say Jesse would be the face of Hawaii because his hair 
is like a big tidal wave.

WATTERS: Thank you very much.

PERINO: I think that’s a compliment.

WATTERS: Thank you very much. I hope so.

GUTFELD: You’re like — you’re like old McGarrett.

WATTERS: I don’t know who that is.

GUTFELD: The original McGarrett from “Hawaii 5-0”.

WATTERS: That was before my time.

GUTFELD: Jack Lord — everybody.

Dana.

ORTAGUS: I have one — oh sorry.

GUTFELD: Ok.

ORTAGUS: So worked at is Estee Lauder in college —

GUTFELD: Must be nice.

ORTAGUS: — you would be a great — Dana, you’d be a great face of Estee 
Lauder.

PERINO: Oh, my goodness — that’s a huge compliment.

ORTAGUS: Yes.

PERINO: Ok.

GUTFELD: Now, you have to do the same thing to her.

PERINO: I think that I would — you know what I would do? Because I think 
this is important and what she does is impressive — why don’t you make her 
the face of recruiting for the navy for women across the country.

WATTERS: Well done.

GUTFELD: You could probably create a chart-for-her. Juan.

WILLIAMS: I like Roger Starback (ph) better than you for the —

(CROSS TALKING)

ORTAGUS: Well, thanks.

WILLIAMS: Let’s see. So let me see — let’s see. my friends around here 
at this table are nutty, so maybe like peanut butter? You’ve got to be the 
face of Skippy.

WATTERS: Well, I would make you the face of the resistance — 
Juan.

WILLIAMS: Gladly. Gladly.

WATTERS: You’re out of control.

PERINO: Are you going to make Greg the face of something?

GUTFELD: I could be the face of troubled geniuses. I don’t know what that 
is.

PERINO: Or Tums.

GUTFELD: Or Tums. But you know what — this question is about me.

PERINO: Oh, ok.

GUTFELD: There — you want to read it?

PERINO: Sure.

GUTFELD: Tina R.

PERINO: This question from Tina R. is, “My teenage daughter wants to be 
the next Greg Gutfeld. What advice would you give?”

MORTAGUS: I think you have to answer that.

WILLIAMS: How about snarky and cynical? Practice, practice, practice.

PERINO: I think you have to learn a lot about language. You’ve got to 
love the English language and words. And you’ve got to learn how to write, 
you have to read a lot, and you have to be willing to, you know, play with 
words a little bit.

GUTFELD: I was hoping the answers would be more insulting — Jesse.

WATTERS: Yes. I would drink a bottle of wine every night. I would wake 
up very cranky —

PERINO: Teenager —

WATTERS: — and I would yell at the producers all day long.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

WATTERS: You’re right on track.

GUTFELD: Exactly. That’s 90 percent of the job. Morgan.

PERINO: And all caps on e-mails.

GUTFELD: What do you say.

ORTAGUS: I have no answer how to answer this one. Don’t be like Greg — 
be you.

WATTERS: Very nicely done.

GUTFELD: Juan.

WILLIAMS: Well, I said. you have to practice snarky. Snarky — you’ve 
got to have that attitude.

GUTFELD: I would say if you want to be — if my teenage daughter wants to 
be the next Greg Gutfeld, you have to go with the hormone treatment.

All right.

WATTERS: Yes. Literally.

GUTFELD: How much time I got? This is, all right, this is from Mlappin1. 
“What’s the strangest family tradition in your family?” A little redundant 
there, Mlappin1. You could have said just what’s the strangest family 
tradition. That was a really stupid —

PERINO: But he said “in your family”. So he wants you to be very 
specific.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, we kind of understood that– Dana. You have a 
lot of weird family traditions.

PERINO: I don’t. I can’t think of a single thing to put —

GUTFELD: Oh, no, no, no. You grew up on a farm.

WATTERS: Yes.

PERINO: But that’s not a tradition. I mean, I can’t —

GUTFELD: Yes. But there are certain things you do on a farm that a lot of 
people don’t know — secret things.

PERINO: Like milking cows and things like that? Breaking ice? I can’t 
think of a single family tradition. Mom, I’m so sorry, I’m sure there are 
some. But then strange? I don’t have any. Sorry. Sorry.

GUTFELD: Jesse.

WATTERS: So when we were driving in car trips as a young kid we would 
drive underneath if the train was going over us when we were doing the 
underpass, everybody would take their hands and put their hands on the top 
of the celling of the car in case the train crashed through and killed our 
car.

PERINO: Yes, everybody did that.

WATTERS: Did you guys do that, too? You stole my tradition.

ORTAGUS: No.

GUTFELD: We never had that tradition.

WATTERS: Yes, I wouldn’t want to drive with you anywhere for a long car 
ride.

PERINO: Wait until we take our bus trip this summer.

GUTFELD: Juan — any family traditions?

WILLIAMS: Well, you know, I mean obviously things like New Year’s Day, 
when my original family, the one I was born into, they would do like black-
eyed peas and oranges and things like that.

But lately so my new nuclear family, we do a thing going on vacation, we 
all dress in the same sweat suit.

PERINO: That’s very strange.

WATTERS: You have to show a picture of that.

GUTFELD: That is strange.

WATTERS: We ought to see that.

GUTFELD: That’s strange. Morgan.

ORTAGUS: I don’t know that we have anything — we do have a tradition 
growing up that my father liked to make grits and eggs and biscuits — 
we’re from the south. And so we did it at dinner, though — not for 
breakfast. We’d have breakfast for dinner.

PERINO: I love that.

GUTFELD: Breakfast for dinner.

PERINO: We only got breakfast for dinner if my dad was traveling on 
business because he hated breakfast for dinner.

GUTFELD: We only had breakfast for dinner when mom and dad were drunk. 
They’d be like — you know what, why don’t you guys have some breakfast, 
here some cereal.

All right.

ORTAGUS: I don’t believe that.

GUTFELD: All right. “One More Thing” is up next.

WATTERS: Hi, Mom.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: It’s time now for “One More Thing”. And we have a great one 
planned — Jesse.

WATTERS: That’s right. So ever since we went to Texas we’ve just been 
inundated with people sending us the best barbecue from all over the 
country. Now, courtesy of Mommy and Big Daddy over he — he went to 
Morgan’s Brooklyn Barbecue. It’s right off of Flatbush Avenue, right next 
to the Barclays Center.

Chef Cenobio hooked us up with some serious brisket that’s been cooked for 
14 hours. We’ve got some chicken here. Greg is working on a rib. I just 
want to say thank you, guys so much. This looks absolutely fantastic.

Speaking of fantastic, “WATTERS’ WORLD” 8:00 p.m. Saturday. We’re going to 
be live. So check that out — a special election edition. Don’t miss it.

GUTFELD: Who is on?

WATTERS: Oh, the usual cast. The Mooch.

PERINO: Congressman Sean Duffy.

WATTERS: Yes, we’ve got Duffy. We’ve got Sarah Carter who’s doing a 
caravan expose — Juan.

WILLIAMS: Is she in the caravan?

WATTERS: She’s been down there. She’s going to be reporting just the 
facts.

PERINO: Greg — don’t you want the macaroni and cheese?

GUTFELD: No. Because I’m on — I’ve had rib. I have the brisket.

PERINO: Come on. You had some in Texas.

(CROSS TALKING)

WATTERS: I’ll have the mac and cheese.

PERINO: All right. Juan — go for it.

WILLIAMS: All right. So you know, not all politics is about money, 
polling, backslapping, baby kissing. Even in the midst of the toughest 
campaign season, you can just have fun. Take a look — 78-year-old 
Congressman John Lewis —

Lewis was at a campaign event for Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey 
Abrams. As he was waiting for Abrams and Oprah Winfrey, Lewis began 
dancing to Pharell Williams’ song, “Happy”. The video of the Congressman, 
a civil rights icon, has gone viral.

GUTFELD: No. Not viral.

WILLIAMS: Nearly half a million people, Gregory, have viewed it. And that 
was as of this morning. So it’s a lot of fun.

WATTERS: Theresa May needs to take some lessons from him.

WILLIAMS: You like his dancing better than Theresa May?

WATTERS: A lot better.

ORTAGUS: That was so awful.

WATTERS: Everyone agrees.

WILLIAMS: Is that right?

ORTAGUS: I know.

PERINO: Greg — before you take another bite, you want to do your one more 
thing?

GUTFELD: Yes, sure. All right. Saturday special live edition of “THE 
GREG GUTFELD SHOW” 10:00. I’ve got Charlie Hurt. I’ve got Tom Shillue. 
I’ve got Kat Timpf. Tyrus.

If you’re going to watch Jesse’s show — stick around and watch my show. 
It’s live. It’s going to be very exciting.

Now it’s time for something special.

Greg’s “what the heck is that?”

Now, I often look for a tape of mysterious animals and I think I outdid 
myself. I want you to take a look at this and all of you have to guess 
what this might be.

PERINO: What that little varmint is?

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, you’re halfway there. It is a varmint.

WATTERS: Is at a rabbit?

GUTFELD: It’s not a rabbit.

ORTAGUS: Is it a wolverine?

GUTFELD: No, it’s not a wolverine.

WATTERS: A field mouse.

GUTFELD: No.

ORTAGUS: A rat.

WATTERS: A muskrat.

GUTFELD: By the way, this video goes on for 30 minutes so we’re going to 
go — we’re going to bleed into “SPECIAL REPORT”. Sorry — Bret.

PERINO: I have no idea.

GUTFELD: Bret right now is sitting at his desk going like, what the hell 
is going on over there? That is a chinchilla.

WATTERS: They make coats (ph) out of those things.

(CROSS TALKING)

GUTFELD: Way to scare the kids. They make coats out of them.

PERINO: All right. I will go next. So I haven’t talked about this in a 
while. You know, I have the group, Minute Mentoring. This is where I 
started this group where you do — it’s like speed dating but mentoring for 
young professional women.

Well, we have a newsletter that we restarted. And we’re going to put it 
out every other week. It is something you’ve got to see. It’s called 
selfie Friday. We have the word of the week. We have all sorts of 
mentoring tips for you there and also some fun articles. You can sign up 
for the page to receive next week’s edition at Facebook.com/DanaPerino. 
That’s Facebook.com/DanaPerino. Join us there, it’s fabulous.

GUTFELD: You know what’s great about Minute Mentoring. It’s so brilliant 
because if it turns out you don’t like the person you’ve got 55 seconds, 50 
seconds to get them out of your office.

PERINO: I believe it’s 10 minutes but you have to be super efficient but 
the newsletter is great and I hope you sign up for it at that page.

WATTERS: Have you ever mentored anybody, honestly?

GUTFELD: I kind of do street mentoring.

WATTERS: What does that mean. If I see somebody in the street that needs 
some advice, I’ll go over and talk to them.

WILLIAMS: Is that right. You are a friend to the homeless.

PERINO: Remember that one guy that used to be the college associate?

GUTFELD: The guy who always wore a suit every day?

PERINO: Yes.

(CROSS TALKING)

WILLIAMS: All right. Let’s move on.

WATTERS: That’s the opposite of what you should tell them.

PERINO: Ok. Morgan.

ORTAGUS: Thank you.

So I found my next vacation destination. There’s a hotel in the Maldives 
called “The Maraca”. It is the first underwater hotel villa. We’ve got 
some pictures of it here.

PERINO: Oh, no.

ORTAGUS: It is located under the sea —

PERINO: No way. No, thank you.

ORTAGUS: — yes, 16 feet below — well, I’m a diver. So I would like to 
do this — 16 feet below sea level in the middle of the Indian Ocean. It’s 
in the Maldives.

PERINO: Wow.

ORTAGUS: And so you could see glass walls. The hotel room is essentially 
an aquarium which I think it is amazing. It sleeps nine guests. It comes 
with a gym, private security detail, a butler and two jet skis.

PERINO: Aren’t you worried?

ORTAGUS: The only problem —

GUTFELD: I don’t think it’s real.

ORTAGUS: — is that it’s $50,000 a night.

WATTERS: Oh.

WILLIAMS: $50,000 a night.

ORTAGUS: Yes.

PERINO: Wait — it sleeps nine? You and I are going to have to talk about 
this.

GUTFELD: My bank account would be underwater after that.

ORTAGUS: I would do this in a —

(CROSS TALKING)

ORTAGUS: — I love going underwater.

PERINO: I would be so nervous. I feel like we are above water for a 
reason.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

ORTAGUS: Have you been snorkeling or anything?

PERINO: I try — ok, one of these — we don’t have enough time but one 
time I went snorkeling and I screamed because I saw a fish. And Peter was 
like “That’s the point”.

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