Dear Jana,
I’m 46, engaged for the first time, and have an eight-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I’ve worked hard to build a stable life for us.
It wasn’t easy, but I managed to buy our own house.
I run a successful business that I enjoy immensely, and I have a decent amount of savings. My fiancé is younger than me—33—and very loving and supportive. Although he doesn’t earn as much as I do, that’s never been a problem for me.
What has become a problem now is my suggestion of a prenuptial agreement.
I brought it up carefully and tried to approach it casually, but he got very upset. He said it seemed like I was trying to sabotage the marriage from the start. Now there’s tension between us. He keeps saying, “If you really trusted me, we wouldn’t need one.”
But for me, it’s not about trust—it’s about protecting what I’ve built and my daughter’s future if things don’t work out. If he doesn’t sign… should I be worried?
A Mother with a Mortgage
Daily Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers advice to a mother in her forties who wants to marry a younger man who refuses a prenuptial agreement.
Dear Mother with a Mortgage,
My gut feeling always tells me something’s not right when someone is against a prenuptial agreement.
Surely he knows your story and sees how hard you’ve worked for your financial security? If not, have you truly confided in each other enough to take this next big step?
A prenuptial agreement doesn’t mean you’re aiming for divorce. It means you have enough life experience to know that unexpected things happen.
And the fact is, you’re not 23, fresh out of college, and moving in with your boyfriend on a whim. You have a wealth of experience and a young child who will always be your priority.
So this isn’t about romance—it’s about money.
You’re not saying you don’t love him. You’re saying, “If this goes wrong, I still need to be able to pay for school shoes and local taxes without risking a legal battle.”
Women are taught that self-preservation makes us callous. That’s not true—it makes us smart. Men do this all the time and they won’t stand for it, so you have to fight back.
A reader admits that she only has an orgasm with her boyfriend when she lets her mind wander and thinks about past experiences or erotic fantasies. Jana says that’s perfectly normal. (Archive photo with models)
If he can’t even have a reasonable conversation about your assets and how to protect them, it’s right to put things on hold.
Stand your ground. And if he respects your life, he’ll show up with a pen and ask, “Where do I sign?”
Dear Jana,
I feel like I should keep this to myself, but I’m starting to get worried.
I’m with a wonderful man. He’s kind, generous, and funny—and yes, he’s good in bed. But I can only orgasm if I imagine being with someone else.
And honestly, this is a problem that’s been with me my whole life.
I tried to be completely present with him and focus on him, but my body simply doesn’t reach climax unless my mind wanders.
It’s not even always someone I know—sometimes it’s just a fantasy about someone.
Does that mean I’m not attracted to him at all? Or is this something normal that no one talks about?
Distracted.
Dear Distracted One,
Oh, relax.
Sometimes we all just need to imagine Brad Pitt in that scene from “Legends of the Fall” when he’s crying for his brother to really get in the mood.
No? Just me?
Well, our brains are a funny thing when it comes to arousal. They don’t always match our feelings in real life or even with our partners.
And fantasizing during sex isn’t cheating. If it were, I would have cheated on my friends with Brad Pitt, Idris Elba, and Tom Hardy more times than I can count.
Many women use fantasies to reach orgasm, especially in long-term relationships or when it hasn’t happened yet. Unlike men, who can reach climax in 60 seconds, women need a bit more mental stimulation.
If you were fantasizing about someone else instead of being intimate with your boyfriend, I’d be concerned.
But the way you describe him, he sounds great. You laugh together and the chemistry is there—that’s important. Ask any couple who’s been together for a long time, and they’ll tell you that your partner should be your best friend.
So no, you’re not broken—you’re just a woman with a vivid imagination and a strong sex drive.
Dear Jana,
My husband and I opened our marriage last year because we thought it would help us reconnect. We hadn’t had sex for months, and everything felt empty.
It was supposed to be fun, without feelings, just a little excitement—but now he’s in love with someone else. He says it won’t take anything away from us, but I feel completely replaced.
He acts like this is all perfectly normal in an open marriage. I had no problem with him sleeping with someone else, but I hadn’t imagined it would be like this.
Open and done with it.
Dear “Open and done with it,”
How do I tell you this politely? Your marriage is over.
And I say this with a hug, but also with the wisdom I gained from my friendship with a very successful New York divorce lawyer.
When I asked him your question, he didn’t even flinch.
“Jana,” he said, “the only couples I’ve ever met in open relationships are the ones sitting across from me… signing the divorce papers right now.”
This isn’t to say that all open relationships are doomed. But here’s a crucial point: You didn’t open your marriage because you felt safe and curious.
You opened it because it had become sexless and boring, and you hoped that a little chaos could rekindle what used to be there.
In a healthy open marriage, you would both go out, sleep with other people, and then come home to cuddle and make love in your marital bed.
Instead, your husband found another woman and developed a romantic relationship with her—a kind of intimacy that should belong only to you.
And the worst part is that he somehow expected you to just accept it. Frankly, that shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage.
If he loves this other woman more than the life you’ve built together, then let her be. You deserve better.
