DEAR DEIDRE: MY younger lover and I can’t resist each other and we have great sex – but he now thinks we should end our affair.
He is tall, fit and charming and he hit on me the moment I started my new job. He’s 29 and I’m 36. We are both married so I did resist at first.
My husband is 36.
We married six years ago but he is only average-looking and the sex completely stopped within three months of our wedding.
We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon.
He just stopped being interested.
The affair started when my lover kissed me after a work drinks do.
He quickly told me he was falling in love with me.
He was pressuring me to have sex right from the start and eventually I gave in and experienced the best sex I’ve had in a long time.
It is the best thing about our affair but emotions started creeping in and both of us got attached, possessive and insecure about one another.
He cross-examined me about my past and began verbally abusing and shaming me.
I got fed up and distanced myself, which was easier during lockdown as we were only going into work two days a week.
My lover pestered me to keep our affair going for weeks and we had sex a few times, but he made the decision last week finally to end it with me.
I then developed withdrawal symptoms and wanted him back.
He’d asked me a while ago if I would leave my husband for him.
I said it wouldn’t be possible because a lot of people would be affected.
He is now using the same reason for why he won’t leave his wife.
We agreed not to contact each other but ran into one another at work the next day.
He came on to me and we had sex again — in a meeting room.
I told him he has to make up his mind and he said he needs more time to think about it.
I need him.
He completes a part of me which can’t be fulfilled by my husband as we don’t find one another attractive.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover enjoys sex with you but isn’t going to rip up his marriage for a relationship with you.
And I’m glad for your sake, because that verbal abuse and shaming is a big danger signal.
Remind yourself of that and use it to boost your willpower.
Take a big step back.
Be polite and civil at work but avoid being alone with him.
You and your husband were presumably having enough satisfying sex for you to want to marry him so what brought about such a sudden change?
Was it psychological or physical?
Tell your husband the lack of sex is damaging your marriage and ask him to work with you to resolve that.
My e-leaflet Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive explains self-help and expert therapy.
If it turns out your marriage is dead in the water, better be honest and move on so you are free to meet someone who is right for you.
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