– Diary: eBay’s capital offence

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Invisible cities

THE renowned wit Samuel Johnson once claimed that patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel, which may be true when it comes to a person’s relationship with the nation state.

But patriotism towards a city? Surely that is a fine and noble thing, says Glasgow resident Deedee Cuddihy, who is threatening to delete her eBay account due to a message it sent to her explaining that her “approximate location” was Edinburgh, United Kingdom.

“I’m in Glasgow, eBay,” growls Deedee. “Have you never heard of it?”

Mind the gap

THE English Dictionary is an excellent book, though we wouldn’t advise reading it cover-to-cover in one sitting. (If you’re looking for edge-of-your-seat entertainment, best stick with the Diary.)

Even though the dictionary is a profound work of scholarship, we’ve noticed that many essential words don’t appear in it.

Which is why we occasionally feel it is our solemn duty, as one of the gatekeepers of knowledge in the UK, to demand new words be included.

With this in mind, Gordon Casely suggests Sarchasm (noun): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Court in the act

SOLICITOR Matthew Berlow, who tinkles the ivories in his spare time, believes he may be the only lawyer to have played piano in court.

“Helensburgh Justice of the Peace Court used to be held in an old church hall,” he explains. “And the piano was still there. So I started to play and was concentrating so hard I didn’t realise court had started.”

Matthew was representing Faslane protestors at the time, who threatened to bring their guitars to any further court appearance for a stirring collaboration with their lawyer of Give Peace a Chance.

Caveman cacophony

HAVING received his vaccination in Haddington last week, reader Mike Wilson wonders how his favourite cartoon character would have responded after getting his injection.

He concludes that Fred Flintstone would rush round Bedrock City shouting: “Jabbadabbadoo.”

Oriental wisdom

OUR readers continue updating the wise sayings of the learned Chinese sage, Confucius. Norrie Johnstone suggests: Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

You’re chucked

WE’RE recalling the late country crooner Sydney Devine, a rare Scottish talent who never took himself too seriously. David Graham from Carnwath recalls that on the popular STV music show Thingummyjig, presenter Jack McLaughlin would introduce Sydney as: “The Cleland Cowboy who has been thrown off more stages than John Wayne.”

Conversing cash

“I KNOW people claim money talks,” says reader Bob Murphy. “But all mine ever says is ta-ta.”

Those were the days…

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