To Caroline,
Even if my marriage is strong and I don’t have kids, I can’t help but think about my first committed relationship from a long time ago. He changed his mind and called it off when we were engaged and making plans for the future. A common friend informed me that he had gotten married six months later. I was devastated because I had thought that we would someday reconcile. He was my true love.
Even though this was a long time ago, I sometimes find myself thinking about him and what could have been. I frequently cry in secret. It’s also hard for me to trust people. I know how to get in touch with him, but I haven’t seen him since. In order to have some closure, I feel compelled to tell him about the “car crash” he left behind.
The fact that I have allowed his memories to follow me over the years frustrates me greatly. I think there would be no benefit to this. I would be devastated if he told me he had made a mistake and ought to have stayed with me, but the same thing would happen if he said he had never considered me. How can I put an end to this torment?
Caroline writes: I’m so sorry you’re still in such anguish over this. It must have been quite painful to break up with someone with whom you had been planned a future and then be shocked by how swiftly he moved on.
I want to gently point out that what you are currently clinging to is not reality. This connection has, obviously, been imbued with everything you thought it would become and has been frozen in your mind at its most intense moment over the years. However, it was never put to the test by everyday life. Please resist the urge to get in touch with this man. You’ve already considered all of the potential outcomes, and none of them are favorable.
I can’t help but think of him and what could have been. I frequently cry in secret.
I’m assuming you’ve never talked about this loss and sadness in therapy, which might be what you need to do right now.
A organized strategy like cognitive behavioral therapy may be able to break the hold of these recurring thoughts, which are on the verge of obsession. Additionally, it would allow you to discuss your marriage and your true desires.
I find it concerning that you refer to your ex-partner as “the love of your life.” Even though you have been married for a long time, you may not even be aware of the distance you have from your husband since a part of you is still emotionally attached to someone else. You can’t focus on and give your marriage your whole attention if you are thinking about someone else all the time.
One unpleasant reality could be that you are stuck in the past since you married on the rebound from a previous relationship, making this marriage unsuitable for you. However, it’s possible that you have been holding back for years out of fear of being wounded again since you never worked through these emotions and because you have trust difficulties.
You may find it easier to let go of an unrealistic fantasy if you try to improve and enhance your marriage. To learn more about all of this, get counselling via relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk.
Lastly, you may read Iris Murdoch’s incredibly captivating novel The Sea, The Sea, which exposes the dangers of idealized relationships. Although it is a hard book in many respects, you might be able to move past all of the “what ifs” and move on.
To Caroline,
Although my daughter-in-law, who is the wife of my youngest son, is lovely enough, she has always lacked focus and clarity. Their baby is now 15 months old.
But she won’t start toilet training him. She disregards my advise, despite the fact that I raised four sons, all of them were potty trained by the time they were eighteen months old. She claims that he doesn’t appear ready yet and that it is too early.
I’m concerned that she’s creating issues for herself by being too carefree and that my youngest grandson won’t receive enough structure and will be left to fend for himself.
Caroline writes: Make an effort to unwind. You appear unduly preoccupied with such a minor facet of raising a child, and you allow yourself to go from that notion to a complete disintegration of your grandson’s future. In fact, some research indicates that potty training is more successful when started after the child is two years old.
Furthermore, his parents should make those decisions; you really have no say in the matter. However, I believe that there may be a significant anxiety-driven urge for control behind what most would perceive as interference. Because daughters-in-law typically follow their own mothers’ counsel, you could also feel a little excluded. There is no one parenting style that is correct or incorrect.
Thus, attempt to pinpoint the source of your concern before taking a step back. Giving mild counsel is acceptable, but if you push too hard, you run the danger of upsetting your son and daughter-in-law.
