To Bel,
I’m writing because I really want to get this off my chest, even though I’m not sure if you can help or offer advice. My beloved husband’s life was spared by a radical prostatectomy. He is currently experiencing remission. In reality, after receiving treatment for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, I am as well. Knowing that this illness can be treated, if not cured, was a comfort.
Since my husband’s surgery, he no longer has any sexual desire, making intimacy impossible. He has been offered injections, pumps, and other things, but none of them appeal to him, and to be honest, neither do I.
The problem is that he has been my life’s sole companion. I was always brought up to be a “good girl,” so that’s how I was. However, he had other sexual relations prior to our marriage, as well as one since.
We now go to the question I have for you. I’m completely smitten with a single local guy. We kissed each other on the cheeks when we first met. That’s all. However, I have never felt anything like this before. He says the same thing.
My marriage is very important to me, but I want to have more experiences for myself. I require more. Is this really incorrect?
My marriage vows still have significance, and I will always stay by my husband’s side. That is accurate and genuine. But this new sensation is as well.
And so is my desire to seek a connection with this local man. Do you think I’m crazy to hope that might work?
Susannah
“I care so much for my husband, but I want to experience more for myself,” Susannah asks Bel. I require more. Is this really incorrect?
In response, Bel Mooney says, “You and your beloved husband have been dealing with a burden of illness that would make most people question their daily lives and perhaps want ‘more.” Consider this: you both have a serious illness, and he has had drastic therapy for it. As a result, you have experienced all of that agony and anxiety both individually and collectively.
It’s a triple whammy of anxiety, perplexity, and tension. Even a long-term relationship might be severely strained by such events, thus it’s heartwarming to start by referring to him as “darling.”
However, something has recently occurred that really disturbs you. You talk about how “a shared kiss on both cheeks” shocked your body like electricity.
In order for him to acknowledge that he feels “smitten” after those discreet cheek kisses, I would want to hear how you met him and what conversations you have had. How did that occur? Was that really all there was?
Whatever. Let’s be precise about what you are proposing. You believe it should be possible to have an affair with the local man and still be married to your (now-impotent) husband. You firmly believe that both wishes are true.
I assure you that I am aware of that emotion and the sudden, intense desire that has caused you such distress. I’ve previously been aware of it. The intensity of a new craving after someone outside the marriage and the restless need for “more” often startle long-married couples.
You have also been a “nurse” and a patient. You understand what it’s like to be afraid and completely worn out at the same time. You have undoubtedly realized what mortality is, how close it may be, and how valuable life is.
That yearning is a wish for more life (please God) as well as a desire for the remaining life to be fresh and fascinating.
I want you to realize how common these emotions are and how many people will experience them. So please, don’t feel bad. Everybody has days when they look at their lives and ask themselves, “Is that it? Is this all that exists? You want to seize any happiness that passes by during these times.
How happy would you be if you pursued a relationship with the local man? I must be honest with you and say that, far from making you happy, it will probably make you extremely sad. You’re not single, but the man is. You would be lying to the husband you love, sneaking about, feeling ripped up inside every day, overcome with remorse, tormented by insomnia, and sick to your stomach because of the disaster you made for yourself if you had an affair (and I understand that physical need).
Therefore, I do believe that you are “deluded” to believe that it will provide the happiness you are looking for. People may start new lives with the soul mate they should have met in the first place as a result of affairs. Unfortunately, though, I can’t see that taking place here.
I can only advise being cautious. Isn’t it like getting struck by a sledgehammer when you’re “smitten” by those intense desires?
However, please take care that neither you nor your unfortunate husband are negatively impacted by this inclination.
To Bel,
In our early sixties, my spouse and I believed we were going into a more sedate stage of life. The stage we had anticipated all along.
Our mortgage is paid, we are in good health, and we anticipated being free once our grown children—a daughter and a son—had “flown away.” However, our adult son returned home two years ago following a split, claiming it was only temporary. He still resides with his parents after two years!
He appears averse to independence, has no defined plans, and just occasionally contributes. He claims to be a “freelance” “content creator,” yet much of the time he just appears to be idly browsing through his phone. It makes me crazy. His mother and I are finding it more and more difficult to deal with his mood swings and avoid confrontation, which is extremely taxing.
Sometimes it’s like having a teenager again since he doesn’t contribute enough to the household. I worry that our kindness has turned into facilitation, but my wife feels I’m being too harsh. Some of our acquaintances claim that this is increasingly commonplace since adult children are forced back into the nest due to expensive rent and difficult work circumstances, but surely growing up entails accepting responsibility?
Remain cool regardless of the weather.
Confusion over the fuss people make about the weather is one of the dubious pleasures of growing older. Why did everyone get their bikini bottoms in a knot when the summer was already over?
In response to the heat at the start of this week, I was happy that seven members of my Liverpool family would be visiting. This meant that we would all be able to spend time outside, in the sun or shade, taking in the sounds of birdsong, flowers, laughter, and memories while sitting up late in the warm night and enjoying the good times. Perfect. What could be better?
Then I read the severe warnings, though. Take caution. Always have water with you, wear factor 50 sunscreen, keep sun caps in mind, and so forth. A disaster is on the horizon. Weather like this has never been seen before, records have been broken, global warming is currently occurring, etc.
When my dear cousin Gina and I were kids, our two families would spend long days in the sweltering heat on the beaches at Ainsdale, north of Liverpool, and no one would complain. Did we ever get sunburned without using sunscreen? Yes, so Mom would apply camomile lotion to us and wish us luck. Oh no!
I am aware of skin cancer, so please refrain from sending finger-wagging emails. Of course, having more knowledge is beneficial. My argument is that when we were kids, we used to bust boiling asphalt bubbles in the streets without newspapers announcing that the end of the world was imminent. Both then and now, it wasn’t.
It can get really hot in the summer. It might be cold as well. It is possible for the rain to fall. or not. The flags can be broken by the sun. or not. Summers at the end of the 1950s were like that, and that’s how I’ve experienced them ever since.
Simply relax when it’s hot.
How can we help him without allowing him to remain trapped? How can we establish limits without coming across as aloof or permanently losing him?
David
“A little story,” Bel Mooney replies. I bought a sheepdog puppy for my first husband many years ago, hoping in vain that it would become a domineering whizz with our flock of Lleyns. Our puppy joyfully ran over to welcome Sam’s mother and the friend who had bred him, seemingly barking, “Hey Mum, good to see you!”
But, oh no. He ran away, weeping, from his hostile mother after being snarled and barked at. He learned a lesson that day, even though he never learned how to herd sheep. Mothers of animals must move on with their own life.
The point I’m expressing will be appreciated by you. Even though I like my adult children, I would be really irritated if one of them moved back if I were in your shoes. For a few weeks, it might be okay, but beyond that, no.
Your assertion that “kindness has become enablement” is accurate, in my opinion. However, I can appreciate your wife’s affectionate disposition. After all, family is family.
However, it is true that occasionally kindness requires cruelty. Your son is not helping you at all, let alone himself. In retrospect, I’m sure you agree that failing to establish limits as soon as he returned was a poor decision. Although the behavior you describe isn’t damaging or unpleasant, it is extremely exploitative and self-centered.
He is abusing your generosity, lounging around, irritating you, controlling the house, and (I’m assuming) upsetting his mother. She’s probably doing his laundry! For both your and his sake, the situation must be permitted to continue.
Although your friends’ descriptions of social reality are undoubtedly accurate, it is incorrect to use them as a justification for careless behavior. You have every right to savor this moment in your life and lead the life you have anticipated and strived for. The cuckoo must go from the nest. However, how?
A family gathering must be referred to as a “meeting,” and this phrase’s formality is essential. He must understand that you are serious about business. After informing your wife that this is the finest approach to express genuine love for your son’s future well-being, openly state your opinion and teach her to do the same.
After all, if the prospective partner finds out he lives with his parents, he is unlikely to begin a new relationship. That is not very enticing. All of this must be presented in a serious manner.
Because of your requirements and desires, as well as the fact that he hasn’t demonstrated any assistance, you will be formally (well, sort of) issuing him notice of eviction. He must be aware of your disappointment. Of sure, you may offer to assist him in finding housing, but what about a decent job? But since you’ll never be able to get rid of him, please don’t appear weak.
I might come out as harsh to certain readers. However, you must be explicit because you don’t want him to be “stuck.”
Of course, you might find yourself allowing him to stay if he can’t find a place to live, but in such scenario, the boundaries are undoubtedly clear. He has to provide a monetary contribution as well as assist as much as he can with home duties, etc.
Tough love is required, and if he pouts (or worse), try giving him a little snarl in return. Remember that sheepdog mom.And what I was unable to express or didn’t know at the time
was that she hadn’t actually left.
Loved ones, the deceased do not depart until you do.
Our hands are still being held by the deceased.
From Darling by Scottish author, playwright, and poet Jackie Kay (born 1961)
