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ALEX MICHAEL recaps The Bachelor: Risky threesome ends in explosive climax

According to well-placed sources, the key to successful polyamorous relationships is open and honest communication, weekly STD tests and a very competent therapist.

That is especially true when said relationship involves two dozen struggling actresses and a neck-tatted Lothario who dumped ‘the one’ to have a crack at twenty-three.

Wednesday’s episode of The Bachelor taught us that in the world of polyamory, threesomes are fine, ‘all-ins’ are even better, but sending the share-boyfriend a heartfelt letter is adultery of the highest order.

Last Thursday’s episode ended with the entrance of red hot intruder Kaitlyn, clad in a wedding gown and walking down the ‘aisle’ of an empty fish and chip joint that Channel 10 hired on the cheap.

‘Yooo how good is this. Here comes another one!’ Locky beamed, loud enough for all of his girlfriends to hear.

His reaction to Kaitlyn’s arrival was emblematic of what we’ll call The Bachelor’s ‘post-Robards’ era.

That is, when Channel 10 ditched the idea of casting ‘Mr. Right’ in favour of whichever washed-up sports star they could find on the slap at Crown casino at 3am on a weeknight.

‘Just chuck another $50 in the 5 Dragons for me and I’m in!’

Wednesday’s episode began back at the mansion, where the other women were losing it over how attractive Kaitlyn is.

‘That’s it! It’s over! Locky is never going to notice me now!’ said the contestant who waddled in on night one in a penguin costume. 

‘And he’s already given her a rose!?’ cried series front-runner Bella, nearly pricking her finger on the rose that she’d been given not five minutes earlier.

The waiters soon arrived with trays full of triple shot cocktails, a telltale sign that the camera crew were losing light and nobody had started an all-in brawl yet.

‘That’ll do it!’ cackled the producers. They weren’t wrong.

Three Long Island iced teas later, and Locky was sitting in the gazebo, slowly making his way through one-on-one chats with his girlfriends.

‘Sorry to interrupt, but can I have a chat with you next, Locky?’ asked Laura, or Zoe-Clare, or just plain Clare – it’s too hard to tell this early in the season.

‘No, you tart! I was next!’ interjected Bel/Maddie/Marg/Penguin girl.

Clearly Locky needs to take a page out of Roads and Maritime Services’ book and implement an electronic ticket system. 

With midnight fast approaching, it soon became clear that not everyone was going to get the chance to tell Locky their star sign and/or favourite Flume song that night. 

‘Desperate times call for desperate measures!’ announced series villain Areeba to the only two women she was still on speaking terms with (Juliette and Kristina). 

Areeba: ‘All this one-on-one stuff makes no sense. We need to go in as a package deal.’

Kristina: ‘Oh, you mean like when New Zealand teamed up with Australia for a joint bid at the World Cup?’

Areeba: ‘What the f**k are you talking about?’

Juliette: ‘I think she means more Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in Wild Things.’

Areeba: ‘I know we’re trying to appeal to more 35- to 54-year-old viewers, but can we stop with the niche references? I’m pitching a verbal foursome. All the teens are doing it these days.’

You won’t be surprised to learn that Locky bloody loved this idea.

‘Three chicks at once? Hell yeah! This is like that Denise Richards movie with the slow-mo boobs!’ he told producers, who were fine with the niche reference.

The verbal foursome was naturally a success, as evidenced by the reactions of the other women.

‘This is the worst threesome I have ever seen!’ complained fill-in villain Laura, who clearly has never seen American Psycho.

Then Juliette committed the biggest sin in the polyamory playbook: handing the boyfriend a heartfelt letter.

‘Three at once was awesome. Juliette slipped me a note and the parts of it that I understood were really lovely!’ he told producers later.

Juliette earned an early rose and immediate relegation from the sisterhood.

Areeba: ‘Um. Why is Juliette holding a f**ken rose?’

Kristina: ‘Having twenty-plus girlfriends at once is one thing, but a heartfelt letter? That dirty slapper!’

Producers: ‘This is good but we’re still getting killed by Ninja Warrior, someone storm out!’

Areeba heeded the call, slapping a piña colada out of penguin girl’s hand on the way out.

‘This whole thing is dumb, I’m f**king sick of this!’ she bawled, making a beeline for the exit door that a producer was conveniently holding open for her.

She conveniently returned for the rose ceremony. 

The rose ceremonies are rubbish and we’re not going to cover them.

Say goodbye to Georgie, Marlaina and Leilani… after you say ‘hello’ of course, because they literally did not get a second of airtime all season.

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