What a narcissistic parent said to you as a child may not have caused the most long-lasting damage, but what you still tell yourself now may.
“Mom and dad, or whoever was narcissistic, were hypercritical and judgmental,” Wise told Lesi Howes, the host of The School of Greatness podcast. “Now I grow up and say, “I’m not going to be like that,” but what am I to myself?” Wise cautions that one of the most obvious indicators of a narcissistic upbringing, according to family therapist Jerry Wise, is a person’s unrelenting inner voice that constantly criticizes, judges, and tearms. extremely critical and judgmental.
He continued by saying that adults who grow up in narcissistic households frequently wind up becoming their own worst critics, harboring intense feelings of shame, remorse, and self-criticism well into adulthood.
According to the therapist, people’s inner voices are frequently not fully their own. Rather, it is an internalized form of the criticism they were subjected to as children.
He described a tendency he often observes in adult children of narcissistic parents, saying, “Here I am criticizing myself and cutting myself down internally and hating myself.”
He claims that the issue is that a lot of individuals are unable to identify the source of these ideas.
According to a therapist, children of narcissistic parents frequently battle with an inner voice that is always critical of them (Stock Image).
It’s common to characterize narcissists as having a very high opinion of themselves, a constant need for attention and praise, and a lack of concern for the feelings of others.
People with narcissistic parents could think they just have high expectations or are motivated to be successful. However, beneath that motivation may lie a deep-seated fear of rejection, failure, or disapproval that was instilled in you as a youngster.
Wise is a seasoned relationship specialist and therapist. He has degrees in marriage and family therapy and psychology, and he has more than 45 years of experience.
Many adult children of narcissistic parents, he claimed, unintentionally carry their parents’ criticism with them even after they leave the house.
Instead of being yelled at by a parent, kids start focusing that same harsh criticism on themselves. “They just take the voice from here and live it inside themselves,” Wise added.
“How many times have you internally screamed at yourself?” he said. “People often tell him their parents were constantly critical, only to realize they now speak to themselves in much the same way.” “You’re foolish.”
Many adult offspring of narcissistic parents unintentionally carry their parents’ criticism with them long after they leave home, according to family therapist Jerry Wise (Stock Image).
“Here I am criticizing myself and cutting myself down internally and hating myself,” he said, describing a pattern he frequently observes in adult children of narcissists. Wise claims that many adults who grew up in narcissistic families become trapped in cycles of self-criticism, shame, and self-hatred because they internalized years of judgment and emotional wounds.
According to Wise, a lot of people think they are just being hard on themselves when, in fact, they are repeating family dynamics that they were taught as children.
“You’re not doing it to yourself.” He said, “Your family is still abusing you through you.”
Learning how to take care of oneself is one of the most difficult tasks for adult children of narcissistic parents, according to Wise.
“Self-focus is healthy,” Wise said, contending that many people from dysfunctional families spend so much time worrying about others that they never learn how to establish healthy emotional boundaries. The therapist claimed that many were raised to believe that focusing on their own needs was selfish because they were taught to prioritize everyone else in the family.
According to him, genuine healing occurs when a person is able to detach their self-perception from their parents’ opinions.
According to Wise, adults should be able to understand that their value is not determined by the opinions of others, instead of frantically seeking praise or being hurt by criticism.
“I want the parent to love me,” he said, adding that many adult children are still ensnared in what he refers to as a “fantasy” that their parents would eventually give them the love, acceptance, and validation they have always desired. I want to be accepted by them. “I want them to take care of my needs,” Wise stated, expressing the aspirations that many people hold into adulthood.
“It’s the fantasy that holds us back,” Wise remarked, arguing that the issue is that those expectations may keep people from progressing.
According to him, a lot of adults still yearn for the childhood they never experienced in the hopes that a parent will ultimately transform into the helpful person they’ve always wanted.
However, Wise contends that genuine development starts when individuals begin constructing their own sense of identity, self-respect, and emotional independence rather than waiting for that moment to come.
